Don't Be A Jerk Online

I get it. You feel strongly about your convictions. And you’re as passionate about your worldview as you are disappointed that so many people don't share it. So you long to move the needle of public opinion however you can, even if it’s only among your social media friends and followers.

And more power to you. Seriously. Convictions are neither strong nor sincere if we don’t seek to share them. You should want to persuade others.

Sharing your views is not the problem, however. It’s how you do it.

Please don’t take this wrong, but I’m going to tell you something that many of your friends and family have decide not to say (I know because I've struggled in this area too). They don’t want to jeopardize your relationship, so they shake their heads and look the other way instead of telling you the truth:

You're a jerk online.

Don’t get me wrong. You’re nice enough in person, at least when people avoid certain topics around you. But Jekyll turns into Hyde when you go online. The gloves come off. The moon is full and the Werewolf comes out. You transform into a dissent-crushing cyborg that seems to know all the answers and demeans anyone who dares to disagree.

If you wish to do more than win the applause of jerks who agree with you—or argue with jerks who don’t—consider abstaining from these five pitfalls that ruin your credibility, dehumanize people, and, respectfully, make you look like an idiot.

1. Stop insulting their intelligence.

Do you pretend to be smarter than people you disagree with? Be honest. In the heat of battle, we often remind people of our resume or invite them to read our books and favorite bloggers. Do you assume that your life experience has amassed a greater pile of wisdom than theirs? If so, you’re likely repelling more people than you're winning over.

Instead of recommending a course syllabus for your digital “students” or boasting about your background, simply share your viewpoint as coequals in a mutual dialogue that doesn’t have to end with ignorant people bowing before you in defeat. It takes a caring relationship rather than a heated post to change a person’s mind, so be patient and kind. Thank people for their perspective, and try to find at least one thing you can affirm and appreciate. Set the goal of learning something from every person you talk with (I know, it will be hard with some!), which sets a contagious tone for fruitful exchange.

In the end, people will judge your perspective by your demeanor, and they’ll probably reject your viewpoint if it seems like everyone who thinks that way is a jerk.

2. Stop assuming bad intentions.

Humans long to simplify our complex world by cramming people into some version of the good guy/bad guy narrative. It’s cleaner and easier to approach disagreement that way, but it’s also childish and destructive.

Assume that everyone who disagrees with you wants a better world until they prove you wrong. Ask them what they most hope for and what they are most concerned about. It momentarily feels good to portray them as a cackling Bond-villain conspiring to steal blankets from babies, but that’s likely your own inclination to oversimplify the world and vindicate yourself. When you assume that others have the best of intentions—and literally state as much while you chat—you’ll be surprised how people respond to you and your perspective. I've learned the hard way that assuming the worst in people is a dead end.

3. Stop asserting.

I have Facebook friends who literally share ten anti-Trump or anti-Democrat articles a day. If they don’t see results, they assume that people need more bombardment. I just had a “conversation” with the CEO of a fitness franchise who declared that she cannot tolerate anyone who votes for the current President. The truth is that she doesn’t understand why someone would support him, and she could grow as a human being by trying to do so rather than cutting herself off from millions of decent people who think differently.

Instead of insulting and avoiding people you strongly disagree with, ask them questions. Be curious. Ask them how they came to their current stance. Ask what changed their mind. Ask why they favor that view over your own. If you act like you can learn as much from them as they can from you, trust me, they will WANT to learn from you.

4. Stop reducing people to a perspective.

It's possible for digital debate to be the only contact we have with high school classmates, childhood friends, or even relatives, which makes them seem more virtual than real. When we fail to see one another as whole people, we're more likely to say things that we wouldn't say to an actual person with hopes, dreams, hobbies, and family.

As a pastor I'm often asked to share my views about sex with perfect strangers, and I often joke that they should probably buy me dinner first. People are more than their perspectives, so show an interest in the person you're debating with. Ask how they've been since you last met, or inquire about their kids. And don't forget to reveal some of the things about yourself that remind others that you a human too. Opinions are easy to attack, but real people deserve to be treated as such.

5. Stop needing to be right.

Here’s a secret known by great athletes, inventors, and entrepreneurs—we grow through failure. We don’t come out of the womb with fully developed viewpoints or abilities, but rather we forge our faculties through decades of growth, trial, and error. The need to be right is suffocating, I've realized, because you can't give yourself permission to grow or apologize. If you need to be right, you need everyone else to be wrong, which is the Achilles heel of an insecure person.

Reserve the right to be wrong. Don’t assume a semi-divine status before which others must genuflect. Be a work in progress. Be human. Be flawed. Admit that you don’t understand something or may need time to process. Apologize or concede a point now and then. You’ll find such humility quite liberating, and that others prefer relating to a person with whom it is OK to reflect and change one’s mind.

I recently participated in an Facebook dialogue about race and spirituality that mostly followed these guidelines. New people joined throughout and commented how refreshing it was to see such respect and humility online. One of the my friends was so moved by the demeanor of a man named Jason, that he acknowledged that his own faith convictions had been profoundly impacted by the conversation. Here’s a portion of what he said:

“I am an atheist. I wasn’t always that way… I was turned off by Christians that were not very Christ-like, someone who I adore and think the world of. The way you, Jason, talk of sympathy and put it above judging the actions and experiences of others, draws me into the fold of Christ again. Thanks for that. Oddly enough, I’m a secular person getting swept into Christ, even if it is only for a moment.”

Never underestimate the impact of humility and kindness in person or online. It may not win the argument, but in time, it may win someone over.