A Bar Napkin Immigration Plan

It's laughable to assume that the present government shutdown is about a wall. The $5 billion barrier being demanded by the Trump Administration and rejected by Democrats is just a symptom of a conflicted Federal government that has for decades been unable to come to terms with a problem caused by both parties.

Democrats have positioned themselves as the champion of marginalized peoples in the Western Hemisphere, stretching the party beyond the point of reasonable compromise to the brink of a lawless nanny state with open borders, unicorns and rainbows for all. Foreign guests who try to follow the legal process for visiting and working in America must tiptoe through a minefield of confusion that punishes rather than rewards them for trying, while those who "sneak" into the country live in shadow, where they are too often oppressed. Some on the left hope for a day in which 30 million undocumented immigrants are granted voting rights, which positions these innocent souls as pawns in a disturbing game of political chess. All the while, measures that seek to limit or manage the flow of people coming across the border are labeled unethical, racist, or even un-Christian.

Republicans have been as bad or worse, repeating bumper sticker slogans and grasping for symbolic measures that masquerade as patriotism. Instead of the painstaking and unpopular work of proposing and enacting "comprehensive immigration reform" (a favorite phrase that in reality has fewer sightings than Bigfoot), they rally their base to support the building of a wall or the unlikely expulsion of millions of "illegals." Republicans seem to have given up on anything but a physical barrier, placing all their eggs in a basket full of holes. This failure to craft a nuanced agenda for border security and managed immigration has left them vulnerable to the racial criticism that they desperately seek to shed.

I'm sick and tired of hearing how Jesus would expect a nation already $20 trillion in debt to open its borders and offer benefits to millions of additional people. And I'm bored to tears by the notion that a border wall is going to be America's greatest achievement since landing on the moon.

For the life of me, I don't understand why a handful of Democratic and Republican leaders don't spend an afternoon in a D.C. pub to scribble a simple plan on a bar napkin. As complex as immigration certainly is, I truly believe that our short-term addiction to partisanship, personal ambition, and saving face is ultimately the primary issue here.

Therefore, since I'm sure that they read everything I blog, I'm personally inviting the President, Vice President, and the leaders of both Houses of Congress to an Irish Pub in Washington D.C. (Nancy Pelosi can pick the place, as I hear Californians have good taste), where we'll sip a pint of Guinness and scrawl on a napkin.

The following is what I'd write down and slide across the table:

MY BAR NAPKIN IMMIGRATION PLAN:

Step 1: Starting February 1, 2019, all undocumented immigrants must register with US Citizenship and Immigration Services. This can happen digitally or in person, but must take place by June 1, 2019, and there will be no fear of punishment for doing so. Registered guests can receive the basic protections and privileges that Congress deems appropriate for non-citizen visitors and guest workers.

Step 2: Starting February 1, 2019, any person attempting to enter America illegally for any reason will be deported immediately with no chance of ever becoming a citizen.

Step 3: Starting June 1, 2019, any unregistered non-citizen found inside the United States will have their property confiscated and be deported (exceptions will be made for the victims of human trafficking). Any company or employer that is discovered to be employing an unregistered worker will be so heavily fined that they will have difficulty staying in business. Employers will not be allowed to take advantage of employees who have no rights or legal status.

Step 4: By June 1, 2019, Congress passes legislation that annually manages the number of additional individuals that will be allowed into the country as citizens and guest workers.

Step 5: All registered (formerly undocumented) immigrants will be placed in a "waiting line" for citizenship alongside those already waiting to enter the country legally and other guests hoping for legal citizenship. Individuals in good standing may be advanced through the process, while those who fail to follow laws, contribute to society, learn English, pursue education and employment, and honor immigration protocol will be hindered or removed from the process.

Okay, we may need a couple napkins, but it's simple enough.

This type of proposal shifts the dialogue away from the controversial border wall, which has come to symbolize our society's deepest divides, and toward the underlying causes of the actual immigration problem. Without such a proposal, I fear that we're left with a chaotic stalemate in which everyone will pay a hefty price, especially the most vulnerable.

So how about it Donald, Mike, Nancy, Chuck, and Mitch? Shall we say Friday evening around 7 PM?

You bring the fancy pens. I'll bring the napkins.