The Marriage Plan Step 2: Avoid Marital Hospice

Julie was deeply angry at her husband for constantly volunteering to work late and then go out with the guys. In a weak moment of resentment, she sought out an online relationship with another man that eventually became physical.

Andrew drinks himself into a stupor whenever his wife becomes verbally abusive.

Annette texts her close friends and family after a shouting match with Christopher in order to prove how selfish he is and to make sure they take her side.

When a couple finds themselves on the rocks, their marriage is extremely delicate, vulnerable to mistakes and decisions that can be made out of desperate anger. Ongoing marital conflict creates anxiety and anger, which have proven to withstand our sincere efforts. We begin to feel trapped in a cycle of blame and bitterness that leaves us deeply violated. So we panic, grasping for some kind of release from what has become too much to bear.

Each of the above are understandable responses to pain, and equally destructive. When we find ourselves in the "red alert" phase of marriage, our internal compass simply cannot be trusted, because it prompts activities that put the proverbial nail in the marital coffin.

I've visited people in hospice as they wait with their loved ones for their final breath. The mood is sad and sober, as the battle of life has been surrendered while they wait for peace terms to be handed down from Above.

Hospice is where people go to die.

Too often conflicted couples opt for impulsive behaviors that kill their marriage. At such critical junctures, we must diligently work to keep our marriage out of hospice by guarding against behaviors that push our failing relationship over the edge.

Step two of The Marriage Plan guides a struggling couples to visit a hospice ward, where they commit themselves to rejecting "marriage killing" behaviors in order to create safe space for healing and reconciliation (Catch up on the Step 1 and Intro posts). Each of the two will read aloud from a list of harmful choices that are commonly made by couples in crisis, which both promise to avoid in order to keep their relationship out of hospice.

This step comes before important measures like counseling and church-going, because those future steps will be futile if sabotaged by unhealthy choices. It will take many months of hard work for a couple to unravel and deal with their issues, and so they need a plan to prevent further calamity in the meantime.

To even imagine reconciliation, distressed marriages first need permission to not be okay. Accepting the importance of this "do no harm" period removes much of the desperation associated with rash behavior and opts for baby steps toward healing. Time can be a burdened couple's greatest asset, slowly cracking open the previously locked door to an old friend, named "hope."

Matthew M. Anderson is the author of Running Mate and The Marriage Plan. A speaker and leadership coach, Matt is the pastor of Surprise Church in Bismarck, ND, where he lives with his wife and three children. Learn more at MatthewManderson.com.