Step 1 of The Marriage Plan: The Graveyard
Just footsteps from the start of the Revolutionary War, where Colonial Minutemen fired the famous shot heard 'round the world at British troops, you'll find the silent hills of Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. The quaint city of Concord, Massachusetts is frequented by history buffs who eagerly come to bask in the smoldering glow of our nation's momentous struggle for independence, most of whom shrug off Sleepy Hollow's rugged headstones as an optional pause in an otherwise exciting pilgrimage.
For some reason, I dragged my wife along the solemn cemetary road as it cut back and forth among the weathered graves. I found myself fascinated by every unique feature, from the verdant moss covering a two-hundred-year-old headstone to the unknown stories behind the barely legible names and dates chiseled so long ago.
Then we found Rhoda and Jonas Melvin.
As you can see in the picture I took above, Jonas died in his prime in the year 1834 at the age of thirty-three years. Rhoda must have planned to be buried next to her beloved husband, since she prepared a sort of "double headstone" for them to share upon her eventual passing. She buried her husband and had no choice but to go on with life, grieving, working and raising her family, while waiting for the heavenly reunion with Jonas on the other side of death's door.
Rhoda waited fifty-two years for that reunion.
When she finally passed away in 1886, she was an eighty-eight-year-old widow who never remarried, finally laid to rest beside the love of her youth and the husband of her dreams. This faded headstone spoke volumes about the love they shared, as well as the decades of lonely life that droned on for Rhoda as she carried on without her husband.
Standing before the stone monuments that spoke of this sobering saga, I couldn't help but squeeze my wife's hand a little tighter, grateful for the mere fact that we still have breath and life to share.
Death commands us to savor life.
In my last post, I introduced a five-part series that would outline the steps that couples should take to protect their marriage from divorce. The steps are taken from The Marriage Plan, a book I'll be publishing this year. Each step should be scripted on paper during a couple's engagement journey, some time after the wedding, or during a marital crisis.
Step One is to go to a cemetery with your spouse and a crowd of "supporters." Immediately prior to this "grave" encounter, each spouse gathers with a group of trusted family and friends who will share the wisdom and lessons they've learned over the course of their marriages, including the need for personal responsibility to replace blame. The couple harnesses this collective wisdom in order to write a statement that will read to their spouse at the gravesite.
In The Marriage Plan, I describe a couple standing before a headstone very much like that of Rhoda and Jonas, as they read prepared statements to one another at the most painful time of their marriage. In this first of five steps, the husband and wife will communicate three important things:
1) their intent to wholeheartedly commit to each of the successive steps of The Plan in order to restore their marriage,
2) the ways in which they have personally failed one another and contributed to marital breakdown, and
3) their desire to keep their marriage vows until death parts them.
You could certainly perform this step anywhere, but there's something about a cemetery that adds gravity to the encounter. After all, married couples all have one thing in common--they've promised that the graveyard, not a courtroom, would dissolve their vows.
While less practical than some of the steps that follow, this first step is pivotal for setting the tone for the rest of the plan, and it's important to plan as many details as possible in advance. Couples can utilize The Marriage Plan Workbook to identify the specific people, details, and locations in advance, which they'll do for each of the five steps.
Step One demonstrates that if we look diligently and come willingly , we can find a great deal of life among the dead.
Matthew M. Anderson is the author of Running Mate and The Marriage Plan. A speaker and leadership coach, Matt is the pastor of Surprise Church in Bismarck, ND, where he lives with his wife and three children. Learn more at MatthewManderson.com.