The Secret to Diverting Divorce

Pastor Matt, do you have a minute?

That's how the conversation usually begins with a person who has been given the green light to inform me of an inevitable marital breakdown.

I often hang out with people who are going through--or have been through--divorce. In most cases, they are individuals of noble character and high capacity who never planned to end their marriages but felt forced to do so by circumstances beyond their control. Too often, divorce appeared to be the best among a series of bad options.

I just wanted to let you know that we're getting a divorce.

Some come in tears, but most bear a numb or even gaunt appearance, the sullen and starved demeanor of one who has long past the grieving phase. Now, having emerged from the private prison of relational isolation, they have accepted the fate of their marriage as the only alternative to emotional incarceration. At such moments, I ask them to consider other options, knowing that divorce and death of a spouse are by far the most agonizing of human experiences.

But from the look in their eyes, I can tell that the marriage is over.

I'd be lying if I said I had no idea what such hopelessness feels like, as most honest married couples can admit to experiencing profound disappointment or despair that can last for years. Unless such brokenness is anticipated and dealt with carefully, it will certainly overtake the couple.

Imagine that your house is on fire, the flames roaring across your bedroom ceiling as the dense, poisonous smoke saturates the air. Your only thought is to escape with as many family members as possible. The location of the fire extinguisher is the last thing on your mind.

Whether newlyweds can grasp it or not, every marriage has a breaking point, a barrier at which point the couple will surrender or succumb to the conflicted patterns that have taken hold. And the key to surviving such tribulation is NOT to rely upon luck or above-average compatibility. Rather, we need a fire extinguisher, a plan that we make in advance for facing the inevitable fires of married life.

In the days ahead, I'll be revealing a five-step plan for protecting your marriage, which arises from the book I'm publishing, called The Marriage Plan. The book's premise rests on the importance of preparing in advance for seasons of marriage that will demand more than you can offer. Instead of being limited to the creativity available in the worst and most isolated of times, couples are prompted to make a plan before the storm, infusing their hopes and dreams for a shared future, along with their desire to keep their vows in both good times and bad.

A pivotal aspect of The Plan is the gathering of Plan Sponsors, a team of trusted friends and family who literally sign up to be the village of help that surrounds the couple should they need to initiate their plan. If marriages die in the emergency room of isolated improvisation, they can survive and even thrive through the surgical precision of intentional community, which is the badly needed antidote for a privatized world in which far too many relationships shrivel in secret.

Matthew M. Anderson is the author of Running Mate and The Marriage Plan. A speaker and leadership coach, Matt is the pastor of Surprise Church in Bismarck, ND, where he lives with his wife and three children. Learn more at MatthewManderson.com.